Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam
and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so
on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she
told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The
child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied,
"No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes
you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a
suggestion.
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many
would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats
and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and
another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another
two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business &
the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and
seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind
Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and
bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man
approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy
replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own
Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The
boy replied, "Why, yes."
Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women
need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will
go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I
will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out
that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to
bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send
the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to
come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a
blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father
grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third
student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
